Falling in Love Isn't Magic, It's Connection: The Famous 36 Questions That Can Deepen Your Bond
Have you ever wondered if you could intentionally create a deep connection with someone? Not through chance or circumstance, but through a deliberate and beautifully human process.
It’s a question that has captivated psychologists and romantics alike, and it led to a fascinating study in 1997 by Dr. Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University. The result? A set of 36 questions designed to accelerate intimacy between two strangers. (Curious about the study? read more here.)
They are a powerful tool for any two people who want to foster a deeper, more meaningful connection…Whether you're on a first date, have been married for a decade, or want to deepen a friendship, these questions invite you to a space of vulnerability and understanding.
The science behind why this works is simple yet profound: mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. By sharing our inner worlds—our hopes, our fears, our memories—we build a bridge of trust and empathy. It’s a journey of discovery, not just of the other person, but of yourself as well.
Beyond just the answers themselves, the act of going through these questions together creates a unique shared experience—an important ingredient for deepening any relationship.
It also becomes a distinct memory you can both look back on fondly, a specific moment in time where you chose to intentionally connect. You could even make a ritual of it, revisiting the questions (or a variation of them) once a year to see how your answers, and your connection, have evolved.
The 36 Questions to Fall in Love
Instructions: Take turns answering each question, the more open you are, the better. When you’re done, end with four minutes of sustained eye contact. It might feel a little strange at first, but lean into the moment. You might be surprised by what you find.
❤️ Set 1
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
❤️ Set 2
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
❤️ Set 3
Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ..."
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ..."
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Where Do You Go From Here?
Going through these questions is an experience in itself. You may feel a newfound sense of closeness, a deeper understanding of your partner, and a more profound connection to your own story. But what happens after the 36th question and the final, silent gaze?
True, lasting connection is built on more than just a single, powerful conversation - as they found in the 1997 study. Connection is cultivated through ongoing curiosity, intentional communication, and a shared commitment to growth. The feelings sparked by these questions are the beginning of a journey, not the destination.
If you found yourself yearning for more of this depth and understanding, if you’re curious about how to continue building on this foundation of intimacy, then I have something perfect for you!
My Relationship Workbook is designed to be your guide on this continuing journey. It’s filled with exercises, prompts, and tools that will help you and your partner navigate the beautiful and sometimes challenging landscape of a shared life. It’s about moving beyond the initial spark and learning how to tend to the flame of your connection day in and day out.
If you’re ready to take the next step in building a love that is deep AND resilient, I invite you to explore the Relationship Workbook. Let the 36 questions be your starting point, and let the workbook be your map to a lifetime of discovery together.
More About the Original 1997 Study that Started It All:
The now-famous "36 questions to fall in love" originated from a 1997 study by psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron and his colleagues, titled "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings." The study's primary and groundbreaking finding was that a structured and escalating series of personal questions could significantly accelerate the development of closeness between two complete strangers.
Participants who engaged in the 45-minute exercise of asking and answering the 36 questions reported a substantially greater sense of closeness to their partner than a control group who spent the same amount of time engaging in small talk. This suggests that intimacy is not necessarily a product of time, but rather of the nature of the interaction.
The core mechanism behind the study's success was identified as "sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure." In simpler terms, by gradually and mutually sharing increasingly personal information, participants built a foundation of vulnerability and trust that fostered a strong sense of connection.
It is important to note, as Dr. Aron and his collaborators have clarified, that the study's original aim was to create a temporary feeling of closeness within a laboratory setting for experimental purposes, not explicitly to make people fall in love. (This is one reason why the Relationship Workbook is a great follow-up!) The researchers were interested in whether they could manipulate the development of intimacy to study its effects.
However, the powerful nature of the connection forged through this process is famously illustrated by the anecdotal evidence that one of the original study's pairs later got married, an event that has contributed to the study's popular "falling in love" framing.
Subsequent analyses of the study have also revealed that other factors, such as participants being led to believe they would like each other or being explicitly told that the goal was to get close, did not have a significant impact on the level of closeness achieved. The power lay within the structured process of the questions themselves.
To measure the level of intimacy, the researchers used established psychological tools, including the "Inclusion of Other in the Self (IOS) Scale," which assesses the degree to which an individual perceives an overlap between their own identity and that of their partner, as well as a subjective closeness index. The results consistently showed a marked increase in these measures for the group that engaged with the 36 questions.
The 1997 study by Dr. Arthur Aron and his team demonstrated that the path to interpersonal connection can be intentionally facilitated. By creating a space for structured vulnerability and reciprocal self-disclosure, the 36 questions offer a potent method for fast-tracking the development of intimacy.
